Just in time for Valentine’s Day…
If you’ve read the notorious Fifty Shades of Grey series by E.L. James – and I refuse to confirm or deny that I have – then you have likely drooled and lusted (or laughed and mocked… that’s okay too) over the dark, tall, and filthy-rich mogul Christian Grey and his kink-lite exploits with swoonish ingenue Ana Steele. Maybe you’ve watched and own all the movies as well. I know I certainly haven’t. But let’s say that you have. The series was a defining moment for vanilla America, who discovered en masse that (GASP) there was life beyond missionary-style. I have a friend who had never heard of a butt plug until she read the book. True story.
Of course, the actual fetish/S&M community scorned the book, saying that no part of the story, from Christian’s invasive “contract” to the infamous “Red Room of Pain,” was authentic. Yet, despite the lack of peer review, it remains most middle-aged housewives’ primer on everything beyond light spanking.
There’s a point to all this, I swear.
According to Realtor.com, an agent named Melissa Leonard recently listed a lovely home in Maple Glen, a Philly suburb. The home, situated on a sleepy tree-lined street and sporting five bedrooms and three fireplaces, is clearly worth every penny of the quarter-million dollar asking price. It’s located just 15 miles from Center City, which is a very reasonable commute; it features a gourmet kitchen with deluxe stainless appliances with a backsplash of tumbled marble – no idea what that is, but it sounds posh – and granite countertops; there are gleaming hardwood floors on both living levels; and the master suite features not only a fireplace, but a sitting room/office area with two walk-in closets. Can you say “SOLD?” However, there’s something very unique and special about 1612 Norristown Rd.
IT HAS A SEX DUNGEON IN THE BASEMENT.
Dead serious here. The owners are very proud of their spacious playroom, which includes a sex swing and suspension frame over a tasteful calfskin rug, a large bed with bars EVERWHERE (break out the cuffs!) and a pillory on the footboard, a St. Andrew’s cross, some sort of triangular wood-and-leather contraption that not even my perverted mind can understand, and a bespoke wall rack tricked out with whips, paddles, crops, and chains. Sleek white paint and flooring attest to the fact that the facility has been maintained all sparkly clean, and the harshness of the sharp and stiff accoutrements are broken up by serene oases of fluffy carpet and plush floor cushions. Not only is the space like the Disney World of adult fun, but it’s also a built-in opportunity for side-income: the basement regularly rents for the weekend on Airbnb.
Since it’s hard to move this kind of custom, heavy equipment, the owners intend to leave the goodies with the house so that they convey with the sale. Leonard, seeing an opportunity, made sure that, along with photos of the light-dappled living space and tasteful floor plan, there were several pictures showing off the dungeon in all its glory. It’s a niche amenity, sure, but for the right people, this sort of home would be a match made in heaven.
Unsurprisingly, from the minute the listing hit the MLS, it made waves. First the Philly Voice came calling, publishing an exclusive video tour of the “sexual oasis,” and an interview with Leonard. Right around that time, the listing went viral, with news outlets from coast to coast referring to the gracious colonial, innocuous from the outside, as “50 Shades of Maple Glen.” The owners were delighted, as was Leonard. Then the MLS called, informing Leonard that the photos violated community terms. Too hot for the MLS, basically. That actually got Leonard even more excited, as the house with the banned basement got even more press – all from websites and blogs that had access to the original pictures.
The house has only been on the market for six days, but I predict that it sells before too long. With the kind of publicity that the “50 Shades house” is getting, it’s a sure bet that some well-heeled kinksters wanting to experience ALL that Philadelphia has to offer will show up, and it will be lust at first sight.
Read more about the sex dungeon here.