Philly Festival Season: The Real Deal on What to Wear

Look, I love the Philadelphia Inquirer. I read it daily, and I often find stories there worth sharing here. But I’ve just got to take a second (or half an hour, really) and throw some playful shade. Apparently, with Memorial Day officially behind us and the long, hot days of summer looming ahead, it’s “festival season.” For my fellow olds in the back yelling: “Shannon, wtf is a festival season?” I have broken it down for you: summer is when the City of Brotherly Love rolls out a bunch of annual music, food, and cultural events.

From Philly.com: “The Roots Picnic is this weekend. Odunde is less than two weeks away. Wawa Welcome America is quickly approaching. And before you know it, Made in America will be back. ‘Tis the season of Night Markets — the next food truck extravaganza is scheduled for Midtown Village on June 21 — and the Penn’s Landing multicultural series — I know quite a few of you are getting ready to get your jig-on for this Sunday’s outdoor Irish jam on the Delaware River Waterfront. In short, Philadelphia’s festival season is in full effect.”

With festivals comes festival fashion. Festival fashion is a clothing genre brought to life on Instagram by stars like Rihanna and Beyonce (our Twin Holy Mothers of Festival Chic), and, to a lesser extent, the Jenner and Hadid girls, Vanessa Hudgins – I don’t think she does anything besides get photographed at festivals these days – and a bunch of other millenial trendsetters whose names I don’t know. Festival chic is a thing: think flower crowns, short-shorts, crochet EVERYTHING, and non-ironic fanny packs. Confused about how all these things work together? Walk into Urban Outfitters.

The Philly.com piece on festival season fashion was hilarious in all the wrong ways. Look there for advice on how to wear Daisy Dukes (major life hack: TRY THEM ON FIRST SO YOU DON’T END UP WITH A WEDGIE), why a bralette is an essential foundation-wear garment, and why you should put pom-poms on everything. Well, actually, they didn’t fully explain that last part.

Here are some of the things that I now know: Adidas track suits are back, and they’re hella cool, just like they were in the 90s. But they work best as separates, because otherwise you might end up looking like an extra from a TLC music video. I WANT TO KNOW WHY THAT’S A BAD THING. Rompers are still considered cool and cute, but one should avoid obnoxious patterns. Apparently a lady of a certain age can be too old to wear a romper in a dignified manner. I know that I have a seven-year-old goddaughter who rocks the heck out of her Hello Kitty romper, but I think she may be pushing the upper age limit on who should wear that particular garment.

Don’t worry, guys. There’s advice for you as well, specifically dedicated to the topic of whether to go shirtless or not. Spoiler alert: the answer is “not.”

And then this gem: “DON’T: Wear shapeless Fruit of the Looms. They are boring and chances are if you found it in the back of your drawer, it’s stained. Also, be mindful of what’s on your shirt, the wrong phrase or picture can turn a seemingly nice guy into a lout. Topics to stay away from: how good you are in bed, how many women you can pull, how much beer you can guzzle.”

I’m going to go out on a limb and say that, if a man has to be told to censor himself when it comes to crude t-shirts, there’s no hope for him anyway. But that’s just me. Apparently basketball jerseys are back in (Go Sixers!), and also African-print dashikis. I think you should go buy one in every color. Dashikis are so versatile and look good on everyone, amirite?

And then… then, my friends, we get to the fanny pack. Yes, they are back again. All the cool kids are wearing them. But these aren’t your dad’s color-block fanny pack that he wore to Disney World back in 1989. These are sleek, designer (or designer-inspired) bags in slick neutrals. The style guide says not to stuff them because… duh. You can’t have your fanny pack bulging. Bring your phone, your car’s keyfob, your lipstick, and a credit card. Maybe a slim battery charger to power all the sunlit selfies you’ll be taking. There is fanny pack festival advice. Let that sink in.

Here’s my official Philly festival season fashion advice: wear what you want, especially if it’s comfortable. Beyond that? Forget the rules.