W.T.Philly – An “Update” Will Do Ya
When you hear or read that a home needs “some updates,” what do you picture? I’m a fairly reasonable person, and imagine a place that has some outdated wallpaper, or maybe a bit of yucky carpet. The places with 1980s mirrors everywhere or 1990s white cabinets with oak trim fall under this header, I reckon.
Know what isn’t a simple case of “updates?” This –
I apologize for subjecting you to that picture, sweet reader, but I had to see it, so you did as well. Can you imagine blithely cruising the MLS for your dream home and encountering that picture? That’s a major case of heebie jeebies with a side order of spew waiting to happen.
This lovely thing right here is a mixed-use, multifamily dwelling in GradHospital. It’s got unrented commercial space on the bottom, and two 1/1 apartments stacked up top. It is, suffice it to say, a sexy piece of work.
The commercial space is pretty busted, but I’d imagine that the right tenant could do something with all… this. I won’t re-paste the pic of the place’s powder room, as it’s probably still burnt directly onto your retinas.
Our voyage starts downward, in the basement. No, this isn’t a still from that creepy “clap clap” ghost-in-the-house horror movie that scarred me for life last summer. It’s legit. And absolutely not haunted, despite how it looks. I mean, I still wouldn’t go down there, but ghosts aren’t real. Probably.
Upward to the apartment units! The listing trumpets the fact that there are extant tenants as if it’s a good thing, which it is clearly not in this case. I applaud the listing agent for actually taking pictures of the pigsties and not copping out, as is the case so often when these properties get listed. But still – bribe your tenants to clean up. Seriously.
Green carpet? Stained duvet? Broken closet door? Check, check, and check.
The sad thing is, these units don’t look completely atrocious by themselves. They are just being inhabited by slobs.
The second unit sports more of the same aesthetic, this time with a heaping serving of “sad sack bachelor.” The absolutely filthy bathroom – which is still light years better than the one downstairs, mind – and “minimalist” decor would seem to suggest it, anyway. That, and the cluttery assortment of half-used personal items on display.
There’s needing TLC, and then there’s “bring your hip waders and elbow-length rubber gloves, babies, ’cause it’s gonna be a bumpy ride.” This one’s a little closer to the latter.
***BONUS WTPHILLY!***
Yes, my friends, you get a little treat this week. This Bella Vista townhome has almost 1,800 square feet of living space and four bedrooms… but only one picture attached to the listing. It’s an exterior shot, no less. I know that smell, and it’s the odor of a complete flophouse. As if I needed more evidence of this place’s dubious charms, the listing text mentions that it has “lots of potential” and “needs updating.” Those two phrases should be red flags every time for potential buyers, as they are AgentSpeak shorthand for “lots of potential to absolutely horrify you,” and “needs updating fumigation to ward off the lingering stench of decay and despair.”
Who knows? Maybe this one is a complete winner. We’ll never know, since nobody has manned up and showed us the inside. I’ll say this… the collection of tchotchkes in the window doesn’t leave me hopeful.
