W.T.Philly – Errors By Owner

You need a seller’s agent. Trust me on this one.

FSBO, or For Sale By Owner, may as well stand for “For Sure [a] Bad Option.” Here’s the skinny: we know that listing with a licensed agent almost inevitably results in sellers getting more money for their home. We know that Average Joe homeowners are likely to be snowed by the buttload of legal paperwork, unprepared for the rigors of open houses, inspections, and closings, and poorly prepared to price effectively.

Here’s another tragic fact they don’t mention on all those generic “Why You Need a Listing Agent” articles on MSN and Zillow: your typical seller absolutely sucks at marketing.

The following are a few examples of the questionable acts of self-promotion that ensue when sellers handle their own listings. Strap up, my friends – it’s going to be a cringeworthy ride.

*As usual, addresses and listing links have not been provided, to spare the (not very) innocent.

WELCOME TO THE DUNGEON

Anyone else humming some early-90s Madonna right now? Just me?

This 2/2.5 townhome boasts one of the best addys in Center City, and it’s not really a bad little place. A bit dark, a bit outdated… nothing that someone creative couldn’t improve over a long weekend. Too bad the feature image on the listing makes it look like the setting of a low-budget 50 Shades of Grey knockoff.

BREVITY IS NOT THE SOUL OF SALES

Total wasted potential.

“This 800 square foot condo home has 1 bedrooms and 1.0 bathrooms. It is located at [redacted] Philadelphia, Pennsylvania.” Aaaand, that’s it. This laconic description does nothing for what appears to be an adorable and freshly-updated home. Between that and a suspected case of gross overpricing (which, again, an agent could help prevent), it’s little wonder this one’s getting a bit stale.

HITTING THE BRICKS

♪♪Goodbye ugly brick wall,
With your nice Old City address –
I wasn’t expecting a penthouse,
But this is just a hot mess. ♪

Exposed brick is a thing. It’s sexy, and shabby chic, and utterly desirable to most buyers. This is not “exposed brick,” (although, I mean, technically it is) this is hideous. The ad says “recently renovated,” but I don’t see it. As a bonus fail, the ad was clearly copied from a certain, notorious online classified site, as “-do NOT contact me with unsolicited services or offers” made it into the description. Let’s just say that his name is Craig and he has a list, okay?

SEMANTIC SATIATION

No need to adjust your monitor.

…that’s what you call it when you repeat a word so many times that it loses meaning and sort of feels funny in your mouth. I counted the word “great” no fewer than six times throughout the listing, including one place where it was utilized twice in a sentence! One need not sound like a living thesaurus, but a little variety is the spice of life. Also, the listing makes just about no mention of the actual home – and only two pictures of many feature the interior…  ONE OF WHICH IS SIDEWAYS. Come on. Something smells like a rotten Schuylkill catch here.

SCHOOLHOUSE ROCK

“H” is for “Holy clutter, Batman!”

Listing agents can impart valuable tips and advice on inexperienced sellers, thanks to their knowledge and experience. Staging tips are just one type of this help – the first impression buyers get is invaluable to their ultimate sales decision(s), and agents know what works. Know what doesn’t work? Magnetic letters all over the fridge, especially with that busy floral wallpaper and plastic-covered furniture haunting the living room. It goes from “cluttered mess” to “ghost town” in a few short clicks.

DEVILS IN THE DETAILS

Something, something, the greatest love of all. Wait – why am I staring at a doorknob?

Remember that home up there with exactly zero helpful details in the description?

“This is a gem of an apartment. No, it’s not a 4 caret, space-wise, but it is certainly a near-flawless 1.5 caret that would make you proud. The building is 6 units and pet friendly, well maintained and offers peace and quiet. This unit is on the 3rd floor, walk-up so you will get your daily cardio at the very least.”

…this ain’t it. That pretty much speaks for itself, so I’ll just leave it as is.

Look at that picture of a doorknob. It’s a pretty doorknob, true, but is it going to sell a home? I would venture to say that home sales are not made on doorknobs. Someone was clearly going for “artsy.” I’d call it “absurd.”