W.T.Philly – My Listing Knows What You Did In The Dark
There’s a reason that “light and bright” is one of the most frequently-flogged phrases in Center City real estate. Living in a major city, outdoor space is at a premium. Oftentimes, the light streaming through our windows is our only claim to a share of the world outside. Accordingly, that’s also why dark, broody living spaces are so undesirable.
Today’s batch of W.T.Philly homes is a dreary, ugly little quartet. Long on shadow and low on aesthetic, they’ll leave you wondering – and then realizing – why some folks don’t open the shades once in a while. |
*As is ever the case when I’m being uncharitable to other folks’ homes, exact addresses and identifying information have been withheld.
1.) Spring Garden Surprise – 4/1, $279,000
This one is actually not the worst of the bunch, it just needs some serious love. Take the kitchen below. The cabinets are okay-ish, but then you have that awful, dark tile, black appliances, and fluorescent strip overhead. So dark, so unappealing.
If any natural light managed to penetrate this tight, enclosed little kitchen, I’m pretty sure that horrific red tile slurped it in like a black hole to 1993.
Gotta love the missing privacy strips and patchy grass for delivering the authentic “halfway house” aesthetic.
2.) The Ludlow Loser – 5/2, $175,000
“Yes, it is in need of some renovations,” says the listing. Gee, thanks for pointing that out – we (which is to say, people with eyes) wouldn’t have guessed otherwise!
Welcome to your prison cell… err, I mean “bedroom.” Yeah. Bedroom.
Just look at that sexy pile of trash bags. Doesn’t it totally make you want to move right in? I’ll bet they are genuine Hefty bags and everything.
3.) Taking the “Bella” Right Outta Bella Vista – 3/1, $209,000
Yowza, this one is just a hot mess. The nabe is great, which goes a long way, but the buyer of this one will have a lot of work to do if they don’t want to spend their days in a dark, dated den.
That wood paneling, that green carpet! The “1970s bordello” looks is so in right now! Oh, wait…
Bringing that “Nonna’s kitchen at midnight” realness, 24/7.
4.) Something’s Fishy In Fishtown – 3/1, $125,000
Bringing up the rear: a “home” (in the loosest sense) where someone’s heart clearly isn’t. Holes in the wall, partially demo’d kitchen, trash and filth everywhere… add to it that the whole home is really dim, and you have the most glaring example of “next, please!” yet.
Just… no.
What even is going on here? Did someone go all “The Shining” and just start hacking at the walls with something hacky?
