W.T.Philly – With Friends Like These…

UPDATE: ALL PICTURES REMOVED DUE TO THE FACT THAT SOMEBODY CAN’T TAKE A JOKE.

…who needs to actually sell their house?

Welcome to W.T.Philly, an occasional feature highlighting Center City real estate listings that make you say “…bzuh?” Last week, we checked in with a teeny-tiny Trinity home packed with lots of charm in a space that would make even Tyrion from Game of Thrones claustrophobic.

This week, I’m taking aim at a trio of unfortunate little townhomes whose listing agents clearly are utilizing some avant-garde process of real estate reverse psychology – if you make a home look as unattractive as possible and write awful descriptions, perhaps buyers will be so turned off that they won’t be able to help stopping by? I’m not sure.

Look, not every home is a seven-figure luxury manse. Lord knows my own abode isn’t! With that said, there are probably “better” and “worse” strategies for marketing nests that put the “humble” in “humble home.”

Note: I’m not going to list addresses or link to listings on these, because there’s no point in calling out the guilty. These pics speak for themselves.

THE CASE OF THE VANISHING BEDROOM
2/1 [alleged], Washington Square

I’ll give the listing agent of this “studio” – more on that in a moment – a small bit of credit: they faced no small task in gussying up the property to entice prospective buyers. You gotta love the institutional-chic mini tile climbs the walls like a plague, looks like it came straight from a 1960s public school locker room, and is visibly grubby enough that it may not have been cleaned since Bush Sr. was in office. With all that said, telling outright falsehoods is uncool.

Quick, give me three adjectives to describe this space. Is “sunny” one of them? I thought not. And hey, guess what? These are the only windows in the whole joint.

And then there’s the bedroom issue. This listing is billed at a 2/1, but there’s no sign of a second bedroom anywhere in the pictures… and, at just 450 sq. ft., it seriously stretches the limits of believability that there’s so much as a spare cabinet hiding out of sight. Plus, it’s billed as a studio. Last time I checked, the very definition of a studio precludes multiple bedrooms? BUT WHAT DO I KNOW, I ONLY READ ALL DAY LONG ABOUT REAL ESTATE FOR A LIVING.

I suppose it’s also possible that there’s, like, a Murphy bed with a collapsible folding enclosure that pops down from the ceiling, but I somehow doubt it.

And hey, bonus agent self-photobomb!

THE OPPOSITE OF THE SILVER LINING
2/1 trinity, NoLibs

Here’s the thing about this townhome: it’s not even that bad! “Potential” is one of those loaded agent-speak buzzwords one has to watch for, because it is usually short for “potential to drag back – at great expense and hassle – from the brink of being condemned” – but this place actually has some cool features. The bathroom is completely adorable, there’s stainless appliances in the kitchen, and for a trinity home, the layout doesn’t at all suck! There’s even a finished basement, which really sweetens the pot.

Too bad someone clearly set out to highlight all the home’s worst angles.

A tight shot on the home’s front probably would have been more forgiving. This particular area of NoLibs isn’t quite as gentrified as others, and that’s okay! But shining a spotlight on the poor shape of the surrounding properties seems counter-intuitive.

Same goes double for this pic of the backyard. Gosh, doesn’t it look sunny and inviting? (Spoiler alert: no. It looks like an area that, with some ambient set dressing – bloody appendages and a burnt-up RV, perhaps? – could totally work for The Walking Dead.)

And ugh, the kitchen. Look, that red brick kitchen floor is bringing some sub-optimal “rambling patio” realness. Plus, the fireplace is in rough shape – the listing subtly mentions as much. Why, then, would you include this shot of the flat-out ugliest angle in the room? There’s shabby chic, and then there’s just shabby. You tell me what this picture screams to you.

SINS OF OMISSION
2/2, Wash. Square West

When you click on a listing and see just three pictures, you should mentally hear the Jaws theme in your head. Trouble is afoot, my friend, and I certainly won’t judge how shrilly you shriek as you run in the other direction.

Not only is the lack of pictures suspect, but the content of those few images we do get is questionable, to say the least. We all know that low lighting is most flattering in many circumstances. There’s a reason that romance is so often conducted by candlelight!

Unfortunately, even the greenest buyer is going to become suspicious of just three images, all of which are seriously underlit and taken from peculiar angles within certain, common-living areas of the home. What can we discern within the shadows? Muddy-colored hardwoods, blotchy paint, and a peak at the most hideous, cramped kitchen seen outside of a David Fincher thriller.

The fact the listing calls this home a “wonderful opportunity” and admits it “needs upgrading” are the nails on the coffin, as far as I am concerned. Any time a listing actually makes reference to anything even slightly negative within the text of the description, you can mentally calculate at least a 300% understatement. My overall inference is that this one is no exception.